Sunburns, Scratched Butts, and a Sunken Cooler on the Deschutes

91 degrees in Central Oregon? That's practically a heatwave, people. Naturally, there was only one logical thing for us to do: grab the inflatable cooler (priorities!), round up the troops (aka our daughter and her boyfriend visiting from Virginia), and hit the Deschutes River for a day of floating, sipping, and sun-soaking.

Sunscreen Slathered and Ready to Roll

We inflated tubes, slathered on enough sunblock to blind a vampire, then left our partners-in-crime with the mountain of gear at Riverbend Park. A short drive to Drake Park, where we would take-out a couple of miles later, an Uber ride back, and we were ready to brave the Deschutes. Did I say brave? I meant freeze our butts off.

Ice Bath, Anyone?

That first step into the river was like plunging into a giant ice cube. For a split second, I questioned my sanity (and my tolerance for hypothermia). But hey, when you've already committed to a two-hour float with a cooler full of beer, there's no turning back. There were even families with small children out there... if THEY can do it, I can do it! So I plopped into my tube and paddled like mad to catch up with my comrades.

Floatzilla, Assemble!

Once reunited, we lashed our tubes together to create the ultimate floating fortress: Floatzilla! Four tubes, one cooler, and a whole lot of chatter as we drifted along. The river was a postcard-perfect scene: clear water, vibrant greenery, and a parade of bright orange rental tubes bobbing along like a chaotic slalom course.

Rapidly Approaching Disaster

As we neared the rapids, we reluctantly uncoupled our tubes. In a moment of questionable decision-making, I volunteered to tow the cooler. We could see kids heading into the rapids and a woman confidently standing on a paddleboard, so really, how bad could it be?  Spoiler alert: moments later hearing “Paddleboarder Down!” gave us a clue.

Cooler Chaos and Submerged Sunblock

I hit the first rapid like a champ. Cooler intact, confidence soaring. The second rapid? Not so much. I leaned over to secure the cooler lid, only to watch the entire thing disappear beneath the surface, filling with water and transforming into an anchor of doom. The next few rapids were a blur of me frantically trying to fish out my phone, rescue floating sunblock, and prevent the rest of the cooler's contents from escaping. Who had time to laugh at my fellow floaters as they bounced off rocks and disappeared under waves?

Battle Scars and a Rescued Sunblock

After what felt like an eternity (but was probably a minute), we emerged on calmer waters. A smiling young boy, who clearly hadn't just wrestled a waterlogged cooler through a mini tsunami, responded to our calls for sunblock rescue and retrieved our wayward tube.

We then compared battle scars. My pals all grumbled about scraping their butts on rocks in the drops and getting tossed onto side rocks. Ryan proudly recounted his unintentional scuba diving experience. Sam... well, let's just say her issues showed up later. Me? Not a scratch or a bruise. I was too busy wrestling a cooler to notice anything but the contents of said cooler floating away. Maybe cooler-duty was a blessing in disguise? 

Most of the crowds called it quits just after the rapids, so from here on out the float was just pure chill. We broke out what was left of the beer (anyone who had an open can prior to the rapids was now drinking river water). Backyards lining the river were absolutely spectacular. From a neighborhood beauty perspective, it was fabulous! Made me want to live in every one of those homes, or at least, in their backyards! Paddleboarders with pups, kayakers, and fellow floaters chatted and laughed. The vibe was friendly and the conversation flowed.  

We reached Drake Park way too soon - we were having such a good time. Once we spotted our trusty orange Subaru, Ty volunteered to get the car and pick us up at the last possible take-out. Sam and I happily agreed… and we finally got our girl time! Chat chat chat and more chatter! It was perfect. We soon met up with , the fellas, cups of coffee in hands, waiting to help us out of the river (there may have been a fence we had to climb over, but that’s a whole different story!). 

The Final Hurdles

One minor inconvenience of the sinking cooler was my shorts tucked inside it. They were so drenched, I could've wrung out enough water to fill the cooler back up. The other surprise casualty? Sam discovered that though she sunblocked relentlessly (like so much that we were mocking her), her sunblock failed her in random spots around her knees. Nobody else got the slightest burn, but Sam, she got torched. I mean, we’re talking neon red here. 

The Debriefing: 

When floating the Deschutes, is there anywhere more appropriate to have a celebratory beer, I mean debrief, than the Deschutes Brewery? We didn’t think so either. So with my shorts still dripping river water, a pair of glowing knees, and some scratched tooshies, we laughed about our adventures and made fun of each other over a fabulously fresh IPA. 

A great day with lots of laughter and memories ended at Walgreen’s picking up Aloe Vera for Sam’s sunburn. 

Proudly posted at the Deschutes Brewery: "Good Beer Brings People Together." We agree. Cheers!

Michelle Eidam is a freelance writer with a thirst for adventure – exploring mountains, trails, breweries, and everything in between.